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[14 Mar 2008|10:31am] |
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I feel like a failure. The one thing that I was good at in my whole life is slipping away and I'm just a dumbass. I have nothing that sets me apart. its a scary feeling and I want it to go away but I don't think that will ever happen. Mediocre at best is pretty much all there is for me and it hurts my heart.
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[22 Aug 2006|12:19pm] |
Life is not fair.
For once in my life I am saying that for unselfish reasons, and it feels good.
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[19 Jun 2006|11:33pm] |
Today I made the decision to grow up. I'm and adult now and grudges, warrented or not, are childish. I need to learn to forgive and realize that people can't always be perfect.
Maybe its two faced of me to pretend that I'm over things that I am in reality not. At the same time though, I can't keep cutting people out of my life because they did something to me that hurt but I wasnt' able to tell them that it hurt me.
I took a big step for me and I'm proud of myself.
Thats all.
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[12 Mar 2006|07:16pm] |
I just want you all for myself.
essentially being home is ok but I'd much rather be at school.
Thats all.
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[23 Feb 2006|12:39pm] |
slow down.
everythings moving so fast.
I don't want to talk about next year. I don't want to talk about next WEEK. I want to live in the day, in the moment in the second. The future worries me because in the future I have to own up to my mistakes. I can be happy now though. Just let me. Please.
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| unfair |
[14 Jan 2006|12:59am] |
Last year that was me.
at least I go home in three days. <3 Gettysburg.
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[31 Dec 2005|06:07pm] |
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS:
1. Be able to like myself and look at the positive over the negative when it comes to things about me.
2. Be a generally nicer person, open up more to people and stop pushing them away.
3. Get a B in Italian
4. Find a healthy relationship
5. Stop hooking up with guys the first time I meet them
6. Stop being such a complainer, its not attractive.
7. No more drama
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[16 Nov 2005|09:58pm] |
on the cheek.
on the lips.
on their hands or fingers. ...isn't always necessarily cute
in my room.
in their room.
of the same sex.
of the opposite sex.
younger than me.
older than me.
with jet black hair.
with curly hair.
with blonde hair & blue eyes.
with flaming red hair.
with straight hair.
smaller/shorter than me.
bigger/taller than me.
with a lip ring.
who was drunk.
who was high.
who I had just met.
who was homosexual. ..probably
who I didn't really want to kiss.
on a holiday.
who was going out with someone else at the time.
who was going out with someone close to me.
who was my good friend's brother or sister.
who had been/is in jail.
in a graveyard.
at a show/concert.
at the beach.
in a pool, jacuzzi, or some type of water.
who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with.
with dyed hair.
with a shaved head.
who was/is my good friend.
who was/is in a band.
who has tattoos.
who is of a completely different race than me.
in the rain. my favorite
in another continent besides where I was born.
with an accent.
with an std.
in a car/taxi/bus.
on a plane.
at the circus/carnival.
with a missing body part.
in the movies.
eskimo style.
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[18 Aug 2005|10:52am] |
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so yeah, after a long period without any weird guys to talk to online my luck changed last night. i get on and not a minute after i sign on i get an im from this guy...enjoy
thewizard28800: hi sara
SaraB1104: hi...
thewizard28800: this leo, from gettysburg
thewizard28800: am going to hanson
thewizard28800: 105
SaraB1104: oh hey
thewizard28800: open doors for thinkers
SaraB1104: hows it going?
thewizard28800: good thanks
thewizard28800: i was just seeing your pic
thewizard28800: on facebook
SaraB1104: ooh
thewizard28800: it looks good though
SaraB1104: haha
thewizard28800: so you are going to study pre-law
SaraB1104: yeah i'm definately considering it but i'll probably end up changing my mind
SaraB1104: what are you majoring in?
thewizard28800: computer science
SaraB1104: ooh cool
thewizard28800: i really like computers
thewizard28800: ive been around them for a while
thewizard28800: ups, i think that made me sound kinda geeky
SaraB1104: no not at all, i wish i was better with computers
thewizard28800: what r u spending your last days on?
SaraB1104: you mean what have i been doing?
thewizard28800: sorry, yeah
SaraB1104: not a whole lot actually. just saying my goodbyes and packing
thewizard28800: let me change my dictionary
thewizard28800: STATUS: GETTING NECESSARY FILES
thewizard28800: STATUS: OPENING PACKAGES
thewizard28800: STATUS: DOWNLOADING NEW INFORMATION
thewizard28800: STATUS: CREATING INDEX CARDS
thewizard28800: STATUS: INSTALLING GETTO DICTIONARY
thewizard28800: STATUS: FINISHING INSTALLATION
thewizard28800: STATUS: DONE
thewizard28800: ok, now am done
SaraB1104: haha
thewizard28800: we were in good byes
thewizard28800: well, i really dont like them
thewizard28800: next friday am gonna meet with my friends
SaraB1104: yeah i hate saying goodbye
SaraB1104: one of my best friends left for field hockey preseason monday and it was sooo sad
thewizard28800: she is a girl?
SaraB1104: yeahh
thewizard28800: thats whack, i prefer girls as my bestfriends rather thhan same sex
SaraB1104: hmm i dunno
SaraB1104: well i guess thats just because girls are cooler
thewizard28800: yeah, cooler and they understand us better than guys
thewizard28800: guys are too tough to deal with
SaraB1104: haha i disagree...i love guys
thewizard28800: ahh come on, we are talking about bestfriends
thewizard28800: example, if i am sad, or depressed, the most a guy could do for me is: "come on man you can do it, i feel you"
thewizard28800: a girl would be really different
SaraB1104: true
thewizard28800: the first thing is that she wouldnt refer me as man, she will call me leo
SaraB1104: wait what?
SaraB1104: oh i get it
thewizard28800: girls are more comprehensive, come on they will even relax you bu the way they talk, they can hug you
thewizard28800: its really a differennt story
thewizard28800: plus is the balance of nature
thewizard28800: most of out problems are related to girls
thewizard28800: which is a very good help to have a girl bestfriend
thewizard28800: you feel me?you know what am sayin?
SaraB1104: yeah i get that totally
thewizard28800: so knoe you understand
SaraB1104: yuuup
SaraB1104: so are you excited though for school?
thewizard28800: aw, not a lot of people would understand such a thing
thewizard28800: thhat means you are special
SaraB1104: well of course lol
thewizard28800: shoot, you sound like an argentinian
thewizard28800: there is an argentinian joke that says like this
thewizard28800: two friends were talking in a cafe, and one of them said to the other one
thewizard28800: my brother and friend, God has sent me to tell you that you should stop drinking
thewizard28800: the other guy said, what the hell is wrong with you, i didnt send nobody
SaraB1104: wait is that the whole joke?
thewizard28800: yea
SaraB1104: oooooh because he is God?
thewizard28800: cuz argentinians are the most conceited people in the world
SaraB1104: haha i'm not conceited i was just kidding
thewizard28800: i knoe, i was trying to brake the ice a little bit
SaraB1104: gotcha
thewizard28800: r u single?
SaraB1104: umm yeah
thewizard28800: thatsw good
thewizard28800: welcome to the club
SaraB1104: yeah its a fun club
thewizard28800: no is not LIAR!!
SaraB1104: yeah i know but i was trying to be optimistic
thewizard28800: hahaha
SaraB1104: except when i'm not single i hate it and then when i am i hate it, so really the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
thewizard28800: but why you hate it when you are not single
SaraB1104: well it would probably be different if i was with the right person, but that has yet to ever be the case
thewizard28800: come on, you are such a pretty girl, as i have seen in the pics
thewizard28800: how comes?
thewizard28800: just jerks in your way?
SaraB1104: haha no i'm being dramatic i was in a decent relationship this winter but you know sometimes things just don't work out
thewizard28800: wao, and in winter is really good, cuz you can feel you girls heat
thewizard28800: hahah
thewizard28800: int he middle of a snowfall
SaraB1104: haha
SaraB1104: yeah well it was good while i lasted
thewizard28800: am sure you gonna get boys really quick in college
SaraB1104: hmm i wouldn't be against that
thewizard28800: hahaha
SaraB1104: so are you into partying or are you more laid back?
thewizard28800: well, to be honest am more of a laid back person, i should say sometimes you need a brake
thewizard28800: so i get involved
thewizard28800: it really depends, who invites me, andwhat am thinking in that moment
SaraB1104: yeah totally
thewizard28800: or of couse, what girls are goin
thewizard28800: what about you
thewizard28800: ?
SaraB1104: i don't like to get TO crazy...but i like to have a good time
thewizard28800: same these way
thewizard28800: i should say that am not used to it cuz of the fact thaqt i dont like most alcoholic beverages
SaraB1104: haha yeah most taste like shit
thewizard28800: am not crazy about it
thewizard28800: and people drink it just look cool
SaraB1104: yeahhh i totally agree with that
thewizard28800: to be honest, college is not my key to freedom, there are a lot of things thaqt i have to think of, to live and to be responsible of, and that wont drive crazy for now
SaraB1104: yeah thats very true
thewizard28800: my romantic life is really whack
SaraB1104: really whats up with it?
thewizard28800: i mean is really whack, cuz soometimes you do some sacrifices for people and they really dont aprecciate it, or theyjust dont like you as it is most of the time
thewizard28800: i think girls dont like too philosophic guys like moi
SaraB1104: yeahh well i think that is sometimes true
thewizard28800: well acutally am not like that full time
thewizard28800: so dont get carried on by my geeky-like appereance
SaraB1104: haha
SaraB1104: theres nothing wrong with being geeky
thewizard28800: well, thats part of my romantic life crisis
thewizard28800: you may find it not a problem but as i said you are a special exception
thewizard28800: a glitch in the system
SaraB1104: yeah maybe
SaraB1104: but the cool thing is you're about to meet hundreds of new people so you can make whatever impression you want
thewizard28800: but at the end the impressions you umake will fade and tyour true self is going to come out
SaraB1104: yeahhh
thewizard28800: i hope i could meet that true self someday
thewizard28800: your true self
thewizard28800: hhahaha
thewizard28800: bye cutie, i gotta go
SaraB1104: bye
thewizard28800: bye bye!
so yeah i'm getting a little over facebook because it has been the cause of me getting like four random ims from guys telling me they like my picture, however this was the first one that led to an actual conversation and was by far the funniest. so yeah it gave me a very good laugh.
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[03 Aug 2005|11:44am] |
im soooooooooo pissed at hannafords.
ok im 99% sure that a million weeks ago i wrote down that i was going to be away this weekend. of course when i went to see when i was working i saw that i was working this saturday. whatever, no big deal, i'll just ask the shift leader for some numbers of people to call to see if they can fill in for me. so i do and the shift leader is a total ass and like won't give me any numbers. fine, i just decide to call in and say i can't work. this shouldn't be a big deal because i'm giving them plenty of notice. of course though i call and get the biggest ass of a shift leader on the phone. he's all like "well if you come in here i can give you phone numbers otherwise it'll be a 'no call/no show' and you get a write up". ummmmm excuse me? I ASKED YOU FOR PHONE NUMBERS LAST SATURDAY AND YOU TOLD ME THAT NO ONE WOULD BE AROUND TO WORK FOR ME>!!!!! plus how the fuck is it a no call, i JUST CALLED YOU AND TOLD YOU THAT I WOULDN'T BE THERE!! its just annoying bc i know that i've been called at the last minute soooo many times to cover other peoples shifts and i'm pretty sure they didn't get a write up.
the thing is that it really doesn't matter because i'm only going to be working there for like another week so its not a huge deal.
ahhh but i'm just so annoyed about the whole situation.
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[02 Aug 2005|08:28pm] |
so yeah, right now i'm on my brand new computer. its fab.
except the first thing i did was mess it up. luckily though my dad is superman so he was able to fix it in like five seconds.
now i'm going against his wishes more and downloading AIM onto it. as a matter of fact i just directly lied to him about it. my "uncle" mark and some co worker of his are here for dinner and they're like "can you im debbie (his daughter)" and im like ummm no i don't have AIM on it. ooops.
tomorrow i'm going up to stowe to see my uncle jack kim and BABY jose. im psyched except i kindof hate kim right now because he was being a total tool. but yeah i can't wait to meet JOSE.
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[01 Aug 2005|09:12pm] |
what a fantastic day.
i got a late graduation check in the mail.
i talked to my roomate and she seems super cool.
my computer is coming tomoooorooow.
i had a cute day.
sweeeeeeeeeeeeet
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[19 Jul 2005|03:10pm] |
ahhh I'm exhausted.
i feel as though my life is consumed with putting out little brushfires and as soon as one ends another one crops up. kids are so stressful and having to deal with 35 of them at one time is enough to make me go crazy. it seriously makes me re-evaluate how many kids i want to have, although maybe i'm naive but i plan on raising my kids a lot better than some of these kids have been raised. some of them just have no manners and no sense of whats acceptable and whats not.
the thing is though, as much as i may whine about it and feel like the kids have no regard for me half of the time, all it takes is one kid running up to me and giving me a huge hug to realize that every minute of it is worth it. plus i get so many amazingly funny stories to tell my family and that makes it great.
on a totally side note, i hate 10-12 year old boys. the ones in our camp are actually fine but its the ones in one of the other camps at the school that are so disgusting. they have somehow gotten the idea that they are soulmates with me and mainly the other girl who works at my camp. its sooo nauseating. as soon as we walk into a room where they are they start hitting each other and laughing and pointing. this morning one of them needed a spoon so i got him one and for the rest of the day is was like "ooh man there's the chick who got you a spoon....damn she SO wants you" and then they go on and just say lots of disgusting stuff and its not even like "cute" anymore.
but yeah my aunts coming up tomorrow and im totally not excited. then we're going to an expos game avec the church. except its like the church middle school kids. fuuuun. oh well i like them more than the highschool....jk snap.
ps i really want to see wedding crashers. katlin? have you seen it? if not we should do that sometime.
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| put the past away |
[12 Jul 2005|06:02pm] |
hmmm things have been good as of lately. i'm psyched because thursday and friday i'm getting paid for 40+ hours of work. thats hott.
i'm so addicted to facebook. people keep sending me messages and its only serving to fuel my addiction. yeah anyways.
its so sad the lengths that i will go to to avoid seeing someone that i hate seeing. like seriously, i did the most stalkerish thing the other day and i was just like wow sara i hate you sometimes.
don't you hate it when you put clothes in the wash and they come out smelling funky. im currently wearing a freshly washed hoodie and it smells wicked gross. the detergent did not mix well with the fabric and i feel icky.
that was dramatic. just like your mom.
oh man today while we were getting the kids lined up to go home this totally sexy/trashy guy came to the doorway and i was all like ooooh lets do a sexy look. so i did and i got a pretty positive reaction and this led to me feeling pretty hot. then all of a sudden one of the little girls who is pretty much my favorite runs up to him and it turns out hes her dad/stepdad. then his wife/girlfriend comes in and she like 80 million months pregnant. i felt like such a whore, however, this did not stop me from continuing my looks and i just kept telling myself he was a big brother or something.
that was pointless.
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| life is good |
[08 Jul 2005|05:03pm] |
so im so psyched for college. the following is my schedule. im actually nervous because it almost seems too easy, except everytime i say that my mom yells at me about how you have to study so much in college and thats why you're not in class a lot.
Mondays:
9:00-9:50- American Government
10:00-10:50- Life Writing (its my seminar where you write your life story and other peoples life stories, it sounds really cool)
12:00-12:50- Elementary Italian
Tuesdays:
12:00-12:50- Elementary Italian
1:10-2:25- General Psychology
Wednesdays:
Same as mondays
Thursdays:
same as tuesdays
Fridays:
same as mondays
ive been really busy the last few days.
making money, seeing people.
its been nice.
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[04 Jul 2005|06:21pm] |
i feel so selfish right now. what do you do when someone that you have spent your whole life admiring, your whole life building up turns out to be something that disappoints you?
i love my aunt. i love her so much. for as long as i could speak she has been my favorite family member and i've always been her favorite. even though we never see each other now its always been the two of us and our bond. we can talk about everyone else and laugh about them and vent about them and its amazing. when i was little i was always like i want to be just like her when i grow up.
now, now i don't know anymore. she never got married, which was what i always loved about her, she would always have plenty of money to spend on me (totally kidding). you know though, not everyone gets married. in fact its a running joke in our family that women named ellen don't get married because the only other woman who hasn't married was my grammys sister ellen and she's just the coolest old lady ever. totally straight, just too cool for marriage, she spends all her money travelling all over the world. its sweet. so i just kindof always assumed my aunt ellen was the same way. sometimes though, as you grow up you start to figure stuff out on your own and some things just don't add up right.
so basically, i think that my aunt ellen is gay. it sounds so immature and lame for me to be upset about that. i feel so selfish to be mad at her about something that when it comes down to it is completely her decision. i just don't like it though. i'm not homophobic, but i have been raised in a family where it isn't exactly embraced. it's this whole love the sinner/hate the sin thing that i get and it works for me. it becomes so much harder though when it applies to people that you love. its so hard for me to look at her the same way knowing what i now. i don't like talking to her anymore becuase i feel like shes trying to lie to me or maybe she thinks im just stupid and don't get it. or maybe i'm making the whole thing up and shes not gay. i've just created this whole scenario in my mind because of the whole uncle jack thing. can families even have two gay people? omg that was the dumbest thing ive ever said, of course they can, but still. i mean they weren't raised like that. they were raised like hardcore conservative christian.
she has this friend, sandy. if anyone is her partner, it's sandy. sandy is a wonderful woman. if i just met her i would think that she was awesome. shes funny and nice and she was my kindergarten gym teacher (haha i know a gym teacher that should have tipped me off right?) and actually remembers me from that. however, i have these feelings of resentment towards her. it's almost as if i blame her for the whole situation. if she had never come into the picture than i wouldn't think these things about my aunt ellen.
anyways this brings me to now. they're going on a camping trip together in july and on the way back they're coming to stay with us for a couple of days. i don't want them here. it will be a two day reminder of everything that i avoid thinking about. part of me just wants to say something to my mom (because she and my mom are uber close and my mom would obviously know a definative answer) just so i can clear yes or no but part of me likes my ignorance and wants to keep it that way.
i feel like this is such an isolated thing. most people wouldn't get how i feel at all because they're like "embrace diversity", it doesn't matter everyones the same. and then if i talked about it at church it would be like last time when i opened up about uncle jack and i got like attacked by matt who said i was like a "gay lover" and basically told me that i was going to hell for not hating him for being gay and telling him that i wouldn't talk to him until he became straight. although matt is an ignorant extreme and i probably shouldn't use him as an example. still though, they'd be like being gay is wrong lets pray about it so she'll suddenly decide to be straight. have i mentioned lately that i hate church? but thats a totally different rant.
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[13 Jun 2005|03:15pm] |
haha they're making a CTY movie, that makes me laugh so hard. the only thing that would make it even more hilarious is if they made it a "True Life- I'm going to Nerd Camp".
seriously though, why couldn't they have done it two years ago in Saratoga, that would have been FANTASTIC. i could have been a staaaar. haha, i'd be willing to bet anything that they make everyone at it look like psychos and they totally don't capture the beauty of CTY. thats alright though, its better kept a secret anyways.
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[07 Jun 2005|07:30pm] |
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i have less than two weeks before my life changes forever so why am i wasting my time sitting around?
from this second on:
I'M LIVING IT UP
no more drama, i don't care.
no more whining (me) because thats just obnoxious.
lets make these last few days awesome.
haha being as katlin is the only one around here who reads this it looks like its directed at you for the time being my dear.
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[05 Jun 2005|05:56pm] |
this has simultaneously been the best and worst weekend that i have had in a REALLY long time.
i don't really feel like going into details but yeah amazing and shitty all at once. that doesn't really make much sense does it?
i just got back from the cabin, it was a suprising amount of fun. it was nice seeing like kevin and jeremiah again.
and yeah im super tired now so im gonna go get changed and sit outide, it should be nice.
i loooooooove you. and thats to EVERYONE who might be reading this. even if you're a creepy stalker, i love you the MOST!
when do expos games start, because i really want to go to a bunch this year.
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